Woodside Family Practice

Archive for the ‘The Family’ Category

Every family does have conflicts. This is a normal issue as a family comprises of many different individuals and the fact that they are different individuals entitles them to different behavior patterns and opinions which may not agree with everybody else and can result in conflicts. The problem arises only when these issues blow out of proportion.

A family is an important institution and the relationships must not be allowed to weaken therefore it is advisable to seek help from a family counselor to rectify the problems right at the onset. Qualified professional counselors are available today who help families in resolving the issues.

These family counselors are able to seal the cracks that have emerged in the relationships. They help the family to deal with the issues, discuss their problems and find a solution that is acceptable to all . In this way with family counseling it is possible to bring back those bygone happy days once again.

Family counseling is important to find a solution to the issue before the family itself disintegrates. When relationships begin to turn sour and people in a family become selfish and are not bothered about the other members feelings the matter is indeed serious and requires someone to step in or else the situation may soon become so bad that nobody would be in a position to help.

Problems do exist everywhere and a family is no exception. Problems can exist in any family but the members of the family have to be the first ones to realize the existence of a problem. In case they are not able to solve the problems they must seek professional help from a family counselor.

A family counselor should have the following characteristics to be able to make a difference.

· Should be professionally qualified to be a family counselor

· Should be a patient listener and be able to give a good ear to the problems of the members of the family.

· He should be capable of getting the family members together to discuss their issues.

· Should be able to counsel the members as per the requirements either individually or together and be able to provide sound advice

· Should have an analytical mind so that he is in a position to look at the situation analytically and in an unbiased manner.

· He should be able to spot the problems , bridge the gap and find the right solution and would treat the problem from its root.

A family counselor is an expert in relationships and should be able to unite the family and bring back their happiness. Family counseling thus, plays an important role by not only resolving the issue but also restoring the happy days that the family at one time shared and enjoyed together.

Family counseling is your professional friend who has the qualification and experience to make a difference in your life. He is your friend indeed and can be the friend, philosopher and guide you need to hold your hand and see you through the crisis.

The initiative must first be taken from your side and once you detect the problems and see that you are not in a position to remedy it, seek immediate help from a family counselor before its too late.

Going Home Again: Family Communication Tips for Adults

You’re an adult now – really you are! Your employer thinks you’re an adult. Your friends have no doubts about your age and adulthood. You pay your bills, maintain a busy calendar, negotiate your rent or mortgage, and accomplish other “adult” tasks. And – most of the time – you actually believe you are an adult…

Then the phone rings, there’s a knock at the door or you are in the process of honorably fulfilling that adult responsibility – a visit to your parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins or other extended family members – and suddenly you seem to shrink to small-child stature. While the law says you officially became an adult at a specific age, you may not really feel “grown up” until several years later. But, someone forgot to tell your family! Your parents (and others who saw you grow up) still see you as a child. You are still, to your family, a kid. No matter how successful you are, your family may have a tough time forging a new relationship – with the adult you now are. That’s normal and happens to most of us. 

But, another thing happens in families. Over the years, family members develop and rehearse – over and over – a family script. Each person has a role and is expected by others to be consistent in acting out the lines dictated by that role. You might have had the experience of predicting what your parent will say before the words actually can be heard. However, when one person significantly changes the script, everyone else is likely to be surprised and to try mightily to get the offender back on track.

For example, maybe you were always considered the shy, quiet one – the one who would just go along, rather than make waves. But, that’s not the adult you now are. You’ve learned how to be assertive and have (mostly) overcome that shyness. So – you go home and try that new assertive you on your family. You’ve now tweaked that script and changed the rules – without telling anyone. You probably won’t much like your family’s response, as they try to get back the child they once knew – the one who doesn’t cause such problems. 

The harder your family works at getting back the old you, the more likely it is that they will be successful. That is, unless you know how to educate your family about the person you’ve become. If you don’t, you will probably leave each of these interactions feeling, once again, like the child you thought you’d left behind. You might feel guilty at having contributed to the family discord, angry at being discounted, frustrated at “failing” one more time with your family or just sad that the progress you thought you’d made seems to have disappeared – at least, for now.  

The bottom line may be that what could have been a pleasant, non-conflicted interaction has now turned into the “same old thing” you went through as a child. And you may end up (no matter what age you now are) needing some time and help to feel, once again, like the competent adult you really are. 

Keep reading if you’d like some tips for dealing with those family communication challenges.

 

12 TIPS FOR MORE EFFECTIVE ADULT FAMILY COMMUNICATION

 1 – Remind yourself (often!) that it’s normal for your family to forget that you are an adult!

 2 – Prepare for phone calls and visits, so that you don’t have to improvise on the spot.

 3 – Make a list of the positive characteristics of the mature person you now are. Include the tasks of adulthood – especially those you think your family doesn’t recognize in you. For example, a list might include items such as these: financially responsible, good parent, successful at living independently, stable friends, able to speak up when necessary, etc.

 4 – Include on your list, even the small positives in your life, such as paying off a small debt, telling a friend something difficult, etc.

 5 – Write each item on a small card, to review when you need reminders of who you’ve become.

 6 – Take some alone time (before a phone call or visit) to remember your successes – and how good that feels. Notice your body probably feels different and less tense, when you stay in touch with the competent, confident you. Remember that feeling – you’ll need it later.

 7 – Practice using positive self-talk, using your cards if necessary, to get back the good feeling that comes from remembering your successes.

 8 – Before each interaction with a potentially problematic family member, use that self-talk and the remind yourself of how confident and competent you really are in most of your life. If anything happens in a conversation to cause you to revert to that child-like feeling, excuse yourself for a minute (bathroom visit, urgent phone call, etc.), and use that time to read those cards! Then return to the conversation.

 9 – Don’t change the rules, alter the script, without telling the other person. If they don’t expect something different, they’ll work even harder to get things back to “normal.”

10 – You might want to try this format for explaining your changes to your family: First, acknowledge what is happening. Then explain what you want or plan on doing.

11 – Include some version of appreciation for their efforts in each statement.

12 – Try something like this to announce a rules change: “I know I’m sounding a little different (acknowledgement), but I’d really appreciate it if you’d hear me out on this (what you want).” Or, “I know you’re concerned about me (acknowledgement) and I really appreciate that. I promise to let you know if I need some help (what you plan on doing).”

 

These are only a few strategies for more effective communication with your family. If you’d like some help figuring out why you’re having such a tough time with your family, and if you would like to develop a more extended “tool-box” of strategies for more effective communication with family members, this might be the time to seek out some professional help. I offer consultation and counseling – and a free phone consultation to help you figure out what your next step should be. Give me a call now at 310 475-1759 or visit my website for more information.

 

  

  

  

Planning an annual family reunion is a great way to keep all your siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, nieces, and nephews connected. A yearly gathering of all the extended family members is a wonderful way to keep everyone in the loop about upcoming or recent weddings and births, new pets, career news, and other life events. Family reunions offer a much more personal experience than a yearly Christmas card, so even if you aren’t in the habit of planning a family reunion each year, there’s no time like the present to get started!

Sometimes family members live so far apart from one another that getting together and having fun happens only once or twice a year. This is especially true with extended families – all the cousins and great aunts and uncles whom you see rarely unless you host or attend a family reunion. Not to mention, the older we get, it seems we get busier as well. This combination of distance and busy lifestyles makes it vital to start planning a family reunion at least several months before the date you wish to host it.

Family Reunion Location, Location, Location

Choosing a location for your family reunion can be a wonderful experience of narrowing down many unique and interesting locations to the one perfect fit for your group. Or, it can be a stressful event of trying to figure out how you can be fair to the relatives in New Jersey and also fair to family out in California, Louisiana, and Virginia all at the same time.

Sometimes when planning a family reunion, it becomes necessary to make decisions that could impact whether certain guests will be able to attend. Location of the event and the cost of getting there will often determine whether family members will be willing to travel for the event. In cases where family members live all over the country, just try to select a location that will please the largest number of people… or, send out an e-mail survey with the locations you are considering and try to get a verbal response of what people would prefer. Then go with majority rules.

An ideal location for your family reunion could just as easily be a park or a lakeside community, as a beach town or a mountain retreat. Consider all your possibilities for the location, as well as the ages and interests of your family members who would be most likely to attend. In the end, don’t beat yourself up about the small stuff. The most important thing is that you are making an effort to create this fun and enjoyable event.

Family Reunion Events and Activities

As with any large group of people, it’s important to put some structure into place for special events. It might be nice to offer some planned activities – sports like volleyball or horseshoes, as well as adventurous possibilities like hiking, fishing, or even horseback riding. You don’t have to plan all these activities, but you could request brochures from companies that provide them and then share with your guests in case anyone is up for an adventure.

Remember, it is also important to leave plenty of free time for your family to relax and enjoy themselves. Some personality types work very well when they’re on the go constantly, but others need a scheduled naptime or just a general break to recover and recharge their batteries.

Here are some simple activities that you could include at your family reunion:

• Board games

• Cards

• Icebreakers and getting to know you games

• Karaoke

• Name that tune

• Recipe swap

• Sports

• Water balloons (weather and temperature permitting)

Don’t forget to look for a location that provides ample space for your guests to spread out and chat, catch up on old times, or even just sit down for a picnic lunch. Picnic tables are excellent options for seating larger groups. You can even bring blankets for the younger relatives to relax on the ground, but just remember that Grandma and Grandpa may not be too keen on doing that themselves.

Food as Far as the Eye Can See

One of my favorite things about a family reunion is the really yummy and diverse food you get to enjoy. Our family reunions had everything from Maryland crabs and corn on the cob to sandwiches, ham, pork, brownies, and of course, Aunt Rose’s coveted homemade butter cookies. Each year we looked forward to these treats and more, which made the family reunion a long awaited and anticipated event.

The menu possibilities are virtually limitless, and you can save money by asking everyone to bring a covered dish or dessert. This works best if many of your family members are concentrated near the location of the event. If you are all or mostly traveling, it may be a good idea to shop around for reasonable caterers or restaurants offering food to go.

Final Tips on Planning and Hosting a Family Reunion

If you believe in Murphy’s Law, then this is the section of the article just for you. Here are some tips on how to avoid disasters at family reunions.

• Make sure you have a backup plan in case it rains. This includes not only location, but also alternate activities, events, and seating arrangements.

• Keep the peace, if possible. Try to remember that, even though they are family, all people don’t always get along with everyone. If squabbles break out and insults are flying between family members, do what you can to smooth things over, but don’t let it ruin your day.

• Find out your budget before you get too deep in planning. Sometimes family members chip into the overall cost of the family reunion. If you know you can count on $50 to $100 from each individual family, it makes your job so much easier.

• Suggest hotels and rental car agencies for your out of town relatives. Going the extra mile to make their planning and scheduling experience easier may really impact the final outcome as far as whether they will attend the event or not. Hey, it can’t hurt to try!

Family reunions can be a lot of work to put together, but usually in the end, the outcome is worth every moment. Spending time with your relatives at least once a year is really important to developing stronger bonds and closer relationships. If you aren’t fully confident in taking on the task of planning a family reunion by yourself, talk to a close sibling or cousin and take the team approach. Once planned, your family reunion will be well worth the time and energy you spend creating and organizing it. Enjoy!